The California Bro Ambition
by WeBuiltThePyramids
Summary: Barney has made it his mission to go to California and teach an unknowing individual everything he knows.
1. Chapter 1

**So CW showed the How I Met Your Mother rerun, "Rebound Bro" today, and something Barney said had me going "OH MY COW BIG BANG THEORY!" So I decided to write a crossover where Barney goes out West to teach someone about being a good bro. This won't be insanely long, but at least a few more chapters. I have a good idea of how it's going to go in my mind; just a matter of writing it out.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything, both shows belong to CBS.**

**Warnings: possible sexual jokes, word-play, but nothing worthy of an M rating. Possible (and tiny, if there) Ted/Robin and/or Barney/Robin undertones. Probable Leonard/Penny, but not sure yet.**

"I am heading to Pasadena, California!"

The announcement should have taken them by surprise. It didn't. Not really. "Okay, why?" Ted asked, speaking slowly. He glanced at Robin, who moved her shoulders a fraction to tell him that she had no idea either.

"Because," Barney said. He looked as if he'd been waiting for them to ask. "Robin challenged me to train a bro on the west coast."

"Yeah…no, I didn't," Robin said, shaking her head.

"Yes, you did. Down at the bar," Barney said, pointing downward, as if Ted and Robin didn't know where the bar was. "You said, and I quote 'Barney, I think after Randy, you're the best bro-trainer in the East'."

"I think I said 'Hey, there's Randy. I'm still impressed that you managed to get him laid'."

"See? That's exactly what I just said, Ted, she remembers!" Barney grinned excitedly.

Ted rolled his eyes. "So why Pasadena, California?"

Barney shrugged. "I asked Marshal and Lily to name a city on the West Coast that I've never been to. So, I'm heading for Cali…wait." Barney sat down in the wooden chair. "That wasn't dramatic enough. So, I'm heading for…" he jumped up. "California! Tomorrow!"

"To find a bro?" Ted asked, still speaking slowly and with his brow furrowed.

"Ted," Robin said, "keep up, here."

"Thank you, Robin," Barney said, nodding. "Yes, Ted. To find…a bro! And then, I am going to train said bro in my ways, and then I will return to my New York City abode knowing that my California bro will be wowing California with his skills for picking up women."

"Is this an ego thing?" Ted asked.

"Or he just wants someone to read his blog," Robin said.

"You want his blog readers to rival your show's viewership?" Ted said. "And as he writes his blog that would technically be considered an ego thing."

"My show has more viewers than Barney's blog has readers!" Robin protested.

"I don't know about that, Robin," Barney said. "People read my blog."

"Three, maybe." She said.

"That still proves my point," he said. He looked at Ted and they snickered.

"So what does this mean, Barney?" Ted asked. "I'm not a good enough wingman anymore?"

"Nah," Barney said, waving a hand dismissively. "You're as decent as ever. I just like a challenge. Remember when I hooked up with a twenty two year old while dressed in my old man makeup? He assumed the stiff, old man stance. "Reprise of the arthritis five!"

Ted rolled his eyes, leaning forward to tap Barney's curled fingers. "What kind of target are you going for?" He asked.

"Ah," Barney said, "this, my friends, is going to be a true challenge. Like Randy was." He pointed to Robin, "since, you know, it's your challenge."

"I didn't challenge you to…"

"I am going," Barney said, talking loudly until Robin stopped. "To find the man the least suited – and I mean, seriously, no suit – to be my California bro. And I am going to turn him into you, Ted. An accomplished bro, who can get anyone laid, no matter how socially stunted they are."

"Well," Ted said, raising his glass of water toward Barney prior to taking a drink. "Good luck with that one, buddy."

"I won't need luck," Barney said, gazing dramatically off into the distance. I just need _time_. And how socially stunted can California guys be?"

**I'll update my other IP fic very soon, then that one will be done and this will be my only WIP. It'll probably be done soon, too, though. I already know what's going to happen, I just need to get the specifics. Hope you enjoyed it so far; sorry it's short.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry that these chapters are so short! :/ I wanted to get one up today before I leave to hang out with friends. **

**I still own nothing.**

"Did you remember to ask that the chicken with rice be diced, not shredded?" Sheldon asked.

Leonard lifted it out of the bag. "Yes."

"Even though the menu description specifies shredded?"

"Yes."

"Brown rice, not white?"

"Yes."

"Did you stop at the Korean deli for the good hot mustard?"

"Yes."

"Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?"

"We still have some left from last time."

"Good-what?" Sheldon's smile evaporated instantly. "What do you mean we have some left from last time?"

"I think he means that he didn't need to buy any more soy sauce, because there's some left," Raj quipped. "Genius."

"Excuse me," Sheldon said, annoyed.

"Are you talking to Raj or Leonard?" Howard asked.

"Why do you care?" Raj questioned, looking confused.

"Eh," Howard said. "I want to know who to look at with an amused grin while he's ranting."

"What about you?" Raj said. "What if he's going to rant at you?"

"What did _I_ do?" Howard asked.

"You started a side conversation while he wanted to rant," Leonard said, gesturing with his utensil toward his roommate, who was looking at Howard and twitching. "Thank you, Howard. Sheldon, continue."

"No," Sheldon said, sitting up straighter and picking up his food. "I won't give you all the satisfaction." He looked down at his carton and took a bite.

Raj, Howard, and Leonard looked at each other and shrugged, then their heads turned as one to the door as it opened. "Hey guys," Penny said, smiling. "Sorry I'm late; I had to drive Amy home."

"Why?" Leonard asked.

"Because she was counting on a ride from Bernadette, and Bernadette called in sick, so as one of her 'buddies' she felt I had the obligation to step up where Bernadette had failed." Penny shrugged. "Did you get me my food?" She asked Leonard.

"Of course I did," he said, reaching in the bag.

As she walked up to the table and took the food from Leonard, they leaned forward for a quick kiss. "Thanks, honey," she said, smiling as she pulled up the wooden chair.

There was another knock at the door. "Are we expecting anyone?" Leonard asked, cocking his head.

"It's your apartment," Penny said, getting up and opening the door.

"Hell_o_," said the man standing outside of it, adjusting his suit. "I was told that the California girls were hot but…" his jaw dropped and he gestured toward Penny with his hands.

Penny didn't let him finish. "What the hell do you want?"

"Ooh. Sassy," the man said, shaking his head in a 'typical' kind of way.

Leonard, who had jumped to his feet the instant the man at the door had called Penny 'hot', was now at the door. "Excuse me," he said, "but who are you?"

"Who am I?" the suited man said. He took a step forward. "Who…am…I. I am Barney Stinson."

The five others in the room just looked at him. Four eyebrows were raised. Sheldon just looked bored. "Okay…" Leonard said. "Do you live around here?"

"Me? No, I'm from New York City," Barney said.

Penny and Leonard glanced at each other, unsure of what the guy wanted. Leonard wished he would stop looking at Penny's chest, Penny, aside from wishing the same thing, wanted her baseball bat handy in case the guy was crazy. "So," Penny said slowly, "do you need directions somewhere?"

Barney made a 'oh, please,' hand gesture. "Nah. I've followed you from the restaurant."

Leonard put his arm out, between Barney and Penny. An appalled expression came over Penny's face. "_What_?"

"Hey, hey, hey," Barney said, holding up his hands in defense. When it became clear that no one was going to take a swing at him, he dropped his hands and looked at Penny. "Are you seeing anyone?"

"Yes," Penny said, crossing her arms. "And my eyes are up here."

"Too bad," Barney said, and no one was sure if the 'too bad' was about the boyfriend or the location of the eyes. "May I come in?"

"Ew," Penny said, turning and walking back toward the coffee table.

"I meant in the apartment," Barney said, rolling his eyes in Leonard's direction. "Women, huh?" Leonard just stared at him. "Oh, she's dating _you_, isn't she?" Barney exclaimed. "Oh, I get it. I won't hit on her; may I come in?"

"Aw, let him in, Leonard," Howard said.

"Give me one good reason why I should," Leonard said.

"I can't think of one," Penny mumbled.

"You guys are spending your evenings sitting around with a couple," Barney said. "I've had sex with more than two hundred women. I can get you laid."

"_Let him in, Leonard!"_ Raj screeched in a high pitched voice, clapping his hand over his mouth and glancing at Penny, who looked terrified at the sound that had just come out of Raj's mouth.

"Oh! Hehe," Barney said, stepping forward again. This time, Leonard stood aside. "Looks like this guy wants to be my California Bro." Raj nodded rapidly. "What's your name?"

Raj leaned over to whisper in Howard's ear. "Raj," Howard said.

Barney looked confused.

"He can't speak in front of women," Leonard explained.

Barney looked excited. "Then this _will_ be a challenge!" He rubbed his hands together. "Oh, I can hardly wait. Step one, we're going to get you a suit. Step two, we're going to make you look sharp _in_ said suit. Step three, go to a bar. Step four, pick out a woman, step five…" he made a creaking noise. "Ha ha ha!"

"Well, I think I'm going to go," Penny said, getting up. "Come over later," she said to Leonard, kissing his cheek before heading out the door.

"I can see why she is always over here," Sheldon said. "If she wants to get away, she can simply walk across the hall. We have no such luxury."

"She lives…" Barney looked away from Raj. "She lives across the hall? No!" He shook his head at Leonard. "No, no, no, no!"

"What?" Leonard asked.

"The Platinum Rule!" Barney said, shaking his head again. "You know how the Golden Rule is 'Love Thy Neighbor'?"

"Actually, the…"

"Uh-uh-uh!" Barney said warningly, putting a hand up to silence Sheldon. Sheldon backed down, prompting incredulous stares from the other three nerds. "The Golden Rule is 'Love Thy Neighbor', but the Platinum Rule is never, ever, ever, ever…" he moved his hips. "_Love_ thy neighbor. Because if you break up and you still have to see them, it's awkward and the fallout is terrible. I was dating Wendy the Waitress this one time, and…"

"We already broke up once," Leonard said. "And we got back together. We're fine."

Barney looked at him for a moment, then shrugged and looked back at Raj. "What do you say? Do you want to go and get suited up?"

"Yes sir!" Raj said, standing and saluting.

"I like you," Barney said, smiling. He turned to Howard and Sheldon. "Anyone else?"

"Girlfriend," Howard said, shaking his head.

"Couldn't be less interested," Sheldon replied.

"All right then," Barney said. He motioned to Raj. "Let's go!" They walked out the door and headed for the stairs.

Leonard walked to the still open door. "Penny!" He called. "He's gone!"

"Thank God," she said. She exited her apartment so fast she had to have been standing by the door. "I left my food over here."

**Hope you liked it! Leave a review, please!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here's the next chapter! Just some Barney/Raj interaction.**

**Okay, so I am so, so, so sorry for the Mexican joke-one of my best friends is Hispanic and I have nothing against them at all-I just think that the comment sounds like something Barney would say…maybe he even has and I just don't remember.**

**And yes, I know that in order for it to be possible for this fic to take place, H/B, L/P, and the Shamy have to be going on at the same time. **

"Okay," Barney said from the passenger side of Raj's car. "When was the last time _you_ got laid?"

"A year ago," Raj said glumly.

Barney didn't even try to hide his shock. "A year? Oh, you're going to be rusty then. Is it the pick up lines, because I have a book…"

"I can't talk to women," Raj reminded him, looking annoyed. "I'm lucky I get to have sex at all."

"Well, don't worry my sweater vested up new friend," Barney said, resting his arm on the back of Raj's seat. "I'm taking you to this wonderful bar I found near the airport, mostly Mexican chicks. We are going to get you olé-d."

"Sounds good!" Raj said, grinning. "Which way?"

"Not so fast," Barney said. "We have to get you suited up first."

"What's wrong with what I have on?" Raj asked. He already knew that this guy was his new hero, but he didn't mind his sweater vest at all.

"Raj," Barney said slowly, "I believe you and I met for a reason."

"Oh yeah?" Raj asked.

"I believe God said 'Barney, there's this guy Raj. He's pretty cool, but it's your job to make him _awesome_!"

"You think I'm pretty cool?" Raj asked, smiling.

Barney hesitated just a moment. "Yes, I do."

"Thank you," Raj said, oblivious to the hesitation.

Barney's phone rang. "Excuse me," he said to Raj, answering it. "Go for Barney."

"Barney, what the hell are you doing?" Said the voice on the other end.

"Lily! Do you miss me?"

"Well, we've managed to have a G-rated discussion this afternoon, so no, not really."

"Aw, baby, I'm sorry. I promise I'll be home soon."

"What?"

"No, no, don't wait up, it'll be tomorrow at the earliest."

"What are you doing? Hitting on a girl who has a thing for married men?"

"No, no, I would never do that, baby. Yes, I miss you too."

"You disgust me."

"Yeah, me too," Barney said, shaking his head. "Bye." He hung up and looked at Raj. "One of my current hookups."

"_One_ of them?" Raj asked, looking half impressed and half disgusted.

"Yeah. I'm currently juggling three. Lily, Robin, and Charity. Though Charity's a stripper, so she's not exclusive to me, either."

"Ah," Raj said. "So why did she ask you what you were talking about?"

"What? She didn't," Barney protested.

"Dude, you had your phone on speaker."

"Dammit." Barney said, slamming his hand on the arm of his seat.

"Why would you keep your speaker phone on all the time?"

"I had to prove to Robin that I was having sex with this chick at her work and so I had the phone on her nightstand so…"

"That's disgusting!" Raj said, looking completely grossed out. Then he looked over at Barney. "Can you teach me how to hook up with women without being that…Howard-like?"

"Who's Howard?" Barney asked, putting his phone back in his suit pocket.

"The guy sitting next to me back at the apartment. He's dating this waitress slash student Bernadette."

"Boobs?"

"What?" Raj asked.

"_Boobs_?" Barney asked, gesturing toward his chest as if Raj wasn't sure of their location.

Raj looked confused. "Um…very nice?"

Barney tipped his head back in frustration. "I do not have boobs. This Bernadette girl!"

"Oh. Eh," Raj said shrugging.

"Does that other guy have a girlfriend, too?" Barney asked.

"Penny's his girlfriend," Raj said. "She's the one you were stalking, remember?"

"No, not Glasses," Barney said. "Though impressed on the boobs. I'm talking about the guy who looks like a praying mantis."

"Oh. Well, he's got a girl who is a friend, but she's not his girlfriend. Her name's Amy Farrah Fowler."

"Boobs?"

"Eh," Raj said again. "The clothes that she wears aren't very flattering."

"So is she needy?"

Raj laughed. "Cow no."

"Cow?" Barney asked, looking confused.

"You swear to God…well, maybe not, now that I think about it, but since I'm a Hindu, we swear to Cow."

"Do you now?" Barney asked, pulling out a little notebook and pen jotting something down.

"What are you doing?" Raj asked.

"Taking notes, in case I ever bag an Indian chick." Barney said. "I'll be sure not to order anything pork."

"Beef."

"That, too," Barney said, nodding.

Raj raised an eyebrow. "So where are we going?"

"To get you a suit; you know, if you're going to be my bro, you have to start listening when I talk to you."

"Sorry." Raj studied the road ahead. "I think there's a store down this next side street that has suits."

"No!" Barney said, shaking his head. "It has to be a suit specialist! You can't expect someone to excel in their trade while working on something else!"

"Oh boy, now you sound like Sheldon," Raj mumbled.

"No, we're going to my friend Jerry."

"Jerry Springer?" Raj asked.

"What? No!" Barney said, leaning over again to sling his arm around Raj's shoulder. "Jerry Crispo. He owns a little…shop…around here."

"Is he related to Eddie Crispo?" Raj asked, looking curious.

Barney leaned away from Raj in shock, a grin on his face. "He is! How do you know Eddie?"

"He's my connection to the black market," Raj said.

"Is he now!" Barney said, grinning. "Okay, we're going to get along great."

**Sorry for the excessive dialogue-it's a car scene in the evening, not much to describe! :D**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's the next chapter! It's short again…and I'd say no more than three more after this, but it depends. Here they get to the bar and get Raj with a woman.**

The club Barney had chosen was unfamiliar to Raj; Barney could tells by the expression on the Indian man's face. "Now," said Barney, glad that they were in unfamiliar territory lest the man had a poor reputation in the bars he frequented, "are you cool with anyone, European, Mexican, Asian…or do you need an Indian chick?"

"My parents aren't here, and they don't have to know," Raj said. "I'm good with anyone. As long as it's a girl. I kissed a guy by accident once and I don't want it to happen again."

"I've kissed a guy, too," Barney admitted. "But it was to prove to a friend that you don't wait for 'the signal' to kiss a girl. This guy Marshall, he didn't give me the signal; he was engaged!" Barney made a face.

Raj looked at him, appearing confused. "Is engaged a bad thing?"

"Raj," Barney said, laying a hand on his shoulder, "here's something that you need to understand. Marriage. Is. The. Worst. Move. Ever. Unless you're Marshall and Lily. They're the couple I get to make fun of all the time."

"Okay…" Raj made the word sound like three syllables.

"But anyway," Barney said, "look at us, all suited up!" He eyed Raj's suit, then noticed the expression on his new Bro's face. "Dude, look comfortable! You look like a chick magnet!"

"Then why aren't the chicks gravitating toward us?" Raj asked, cocking his head and raising an eyebrow.

"Because we're standing just outside of the club. Women are scared to leave unless they're with a man."

The words slid easily off of Barney's tongue, and Raj bought it. "Oh, okay!" he said, grinning and nodding. "Let's go! What's our first move?"

"Just follow my lead," Barney said, walking up to the guard, who let them pass. "Let's spot someone for you."

"How about her?" Raj suggested, pointing. The girl saw his point and melted away into the crowd.

"Don't point, dude," Barney said. "Give me a time."

"Sorry. How about six-thirty?"

Barney looked. "Not bad…but are those acceptable boobs?"

Raj's eyes shifted. "Oh," he said in disappointment. "So not her."

"Well, I mean, sure, if you want, but I'm here to help you reach for the sky!" Barney raised his hand in a sweeping motion toward the ceiling. "She's a seven, we got to go for at least an eight."

Raj shrugged. "Okay. Fine by me."

Barney scanned the crowd. "Wow, they're drunk early tonight! Advantage five!" He raised a hand above his head. Raj looked confused. "Advantage five, bro!" Barney said, sounding irritated. Raj wound up and slapped the other man's palm. Hard.

"Ow-ooh!" Barney said, bending at the waist and clutching his hand at the knee. "But I admire your enthusiasm," he said, straightening up and nodding. "Let's go."

He led Raj over to a blonde girl sitting by herself at a table. "Stand right behind me," he whispered to Raj. He reached the girl, who was sitting at an angle to them, tapped her on the shoulder, and said, "hi, have you met Raj?"

The girl looked up at him, then over to Raj. She smiled. "Hello, Raj!"

Raj took one look at her and raced toward the bar.

"Raj, ju…wait!" Barney rolled his eyes, and then smiled at the girl. "Excuse me." He left the confused woman and followed Raj to the bar, where his new bro was guzzling a light green drink. "What is wrong with you?"

"I told you dude! I can't talk to women unless I'm drunk!"

"Oh, boy, this is…" Barney paused, and then added a word. "_not_ a handicap! You'll always find drinks in bars!"

"But," Raj said, putting his drink down, "what if I meet someone someplace else?"

"Well," Barney said, trying not to sound annoyed, "we can't practice talking to women tonight, now, can we? You've already drank something." He pushed the glass farther away from Raj. "Let's get you laid tonight, and then tomorrow, we can work on saying words to women while sober? Okay?"

Raj nodded agreeably. "Okay!" Barney said happily. "Stinson and…what's your full name?"

"Dr. Rajesh Ramayan Koothrapali."

"_Doctor?_" Barney said, a grin forming on his face. "Wow, this is going to be easy!" He motioned to Raj, and the two suited men made their way back to the blone. "Haaaaave you met Dr. Raj Koothrapali?"

The woman tipped her head so part of her side bangs fell over one eye. "Hel_lo_ Doctor."

Raj eased into the seat next to her. "Well, hello."

Barney looked up at the crowd around them and winked, even though no one was looking at him.

**Barney's got a challenge, getting him to talk to a woman without being drunk-it'll take a few days, it will happen though!**


	5. Chapter 5

**This one's a little longer! Hope you like it-I had so many distractions while typing!**

Penny was heading out of the laundry room the following morning when she heard someone yell "_legendary!"_ and she stopped just shy of the corner. She didn't want to talk to that Barney guy; he was even more disgusting than Howard.

"You are a God, dude," came another voice just as she heard the lobby door close. _Raj._ Penny closed her eyes and let out a breath. Being completely honest with herself, she had been a little worried about the astro physicist when he'd taken off with that guy. They knew nothing about him, and he seemed like the smooth-talking, manipulative type. Kind of like David Underhill or Kurt.

"I'm not a God," Barney said in a tone that suggested he did in fact think so but was trying to act modest to gain even more admiration, "I'm just the guy…that got you…hot sex with a nine! Up top!"

Penny heard the sound of a high five, and then Raj's voice again. "She was _so_ hot. You know, I after being raised around so many dark haired women, I find blondes very attractive. Though I feel bad about sneaking out on her like that…couldn't I at least have spent the night?"

"No," Barney said. "You needed to get back home to get a good night's rest so we can go and bro-out again tonight."

"Good plan," Raj said cheerfully.

"Thanks for letting me crash in your tub, by the way," Barney said.

"What?"

"Oh, I moved off the couch. Porcelain keeps my suit from wrinking." There was a long silence, and then the New Yorker apparently decided to change the subject. "So you like blondes, huh? You mean like the_ girlfriend_ of your spectacle-d up friend?" Barney's voice said.

"Penny? She's okay. But we can't be attracted to her; she's Leonard's girlfriend."

"Oh, Raj," Barney said, shaking his head. "She's not his girlfriend; he's too much of a settler. It's only a matter of time before those two split, and when they do, you can be her rebound guy. I-Just-Got-Out-Of-The-Biggest-Mistake-Of-My-Life sex is a_mazing!_" Barney's voice went up an octave on the last word.

Penny raised an eyebrow, lowering her laundry basket to the floor and crossing her arms. Luckily, their voices weren't getting any fainter; they appeared to be remaining in the lobby.

"What do you mean?" Raj asked.

Penny cocked her head. Was he drunk? He didn't sound wasted, but if he hooked up with a girl he had to have had _something_…she supposed that this Barney person didn't let him drink too much. That was a smart move…probably the first that suited up idiot had ever made.

"In every relationship," Barney said, "there are a reacher, and a settler. The reacher is desperate, and so grateful for the hot chick he's currently hanging on to. The settler is simply _settling_ for the reacher. That's why relationships don't last, aside from the fact that they're pointless and disgusting."

Penny ran her tongue over her top teeth.

"So you're saying that when Penny dumps…"

"_Inevitably _dumps."

"When Penny _inevitably_ dumps Leonard again, I should go after her?"

"Sure," Barney said. "Though after the one night stand you just had…that girl's boobs were way better than this Penny woman."

"Oh…" Penny said angrily, under her breath. She heard the sound of feet on the stairs; the men were on the move. She picked up her laundry and followed them, staying about a flight behind.

When she reached the fourth floor, she stormed into her apartment and put her laundry basket on her coffee table, looked at her reflection in the mirror and walked across the hall. She stopped at the door and knocked.

After a few seconds, Leonard opened it. Penny could see Sheldon sitting in his spot with his laptop, Howard next to him. Raj sat on the right arm and Barney stood near him; all of them looked her direction just as Leonard took a step back to let her in.

She jumped up, wrapping her arms around Leonard's head and neck and holding herself up by digging her knees into his sides just above his hips, and mashing her lips onto his. After a split second, Leonard's arms came around her. She kept the kiss going several more seconds, trying to make it look as intense as possible, and then pulled her head back. "Just had to make a point," she whispered to Leonard, easing herself back onto her own two feet. "Sorry," she said in a louder voice, taking several deep breaths, "I hadn't seen him in a while," she said to the rest of the group, moving to sit on the arm of the white chair as Leonard sat back down.

Raj motioned to Barney, who leaned over so the physicist could whisper in his ear. He shrugged. "Maybe I was wrong."

Penny allowed herself a small smile. Mission accomplished.

"So Raj here was telling us about his amazing sex last night," Barney said, prompting. Raj motioned toward Penny with his head. "Oh, right."

"Penny," Sheldon said. "Would you mind if I played Mario in your apartment? The content of this discussion is both disturbing and animalistic, which I guess would also classify as 'disturbing'."

Penny pulled her key out of her bra and tossed it to him. Sheldon reached out to catch it, and then pulled his hands back, looking appalled, as the key clattered to the ground. Penny laughed. "Messing with you. It's open, go ahead." Sheldon grabbed the laptop and darted out of the door. "Raj," Penny said, do you want me to leave?"

"Eh, I'll tell it," Barney said, waving a hand dismissively. "That's my job as Trans-bro-later."

"What's your real job, anyway?" Howard asked.

Barney gave a little laugh. "Please. Anyway, we get just a little bit of alcohol into this man, and he just becomes this smooth talking ladies man that five years ago Ted Mosby would be jealous of!"

"Who?" Leonard asked.

"My best friend. So Raj here pulls the 'I'm a doctor' card, and this woman is all up in his business before you can say…"

"Ew…" Penny said, cutting him off.

Barney looked somewhat confused. "What?"

She shrugged. "Just assuming."

Barney did a slight double take before continuing. A few minutes into the story, Penny saw Raj's face contort into an expression of horror. He leaned over and whispered something to Howard, who looked up at Barney. "You _watched_?"

"Please. Not all of it. Just until I saw that he had a condom. Bros need to provide each other with protection. True story."

Penny glanced at Leonard, nodding slightly when his expression confirmed that the Gross-Factor was high for both of them.

"Can I finish the story?" Barney asked, sounding slightly irritated.

"I'd prefer that you not," Penny said, "but I won't go so far as to forbid it. Yeah," she said confidently in response to Howard's look of respect.

Barney finished the story anyway. Penny blocked him out with thoughts of the shoes she'd ordered the previous day, tuning back in when he said "And we're out to rock the world again tonight!"

"Get Raj drunk, and of course he can get laid," Leonard said. "The real challenge would be getting him to talk to a woman without being drunk."

Barney rose. "Challenge accepted! Come on, Bro." He grabbed Raj's arm and dragged him toward the door. "Wait," he said, stopping a pace shy of the door. "Bathroom?"

"You want to use our bathroom?" Leonard asked.

"I've been arrested for public urination once," Barney said. "I'd prefer not to do it again. Plus this is going to be a challenge, and I do some of my best thinking at urinals."

"Down the hall," Leonard said. "But don't tell Sheldon."

When the door to the bathroom closed behind Barney, Penny rose, walked over to Raj, and crossed her arms. "I'm only _okay_?"

Raj offered a shrug, looking terrified.

"That's going to be a hard challenge to complete," Howard said in a low voice, leaning over toward Leonard, "if the girls Raj meets are anything like Penny."

Leonard grinned.


	6. Chapter 6

**Last chapter! I probably could have made it two, but here we go!**

**I still only own the characters I created.**

"So how do you think Barney's doing out there?" Lily asked, turning off the television.

Robin shrugged. "Did he text you about the guy he found to be his victim?"

"No," Lily said, putting the remote down. Her eyebrows narrowed and she looked at Robin. "Did he actually say 'victim'?"

"No." Robin shook her head. "He said 'masterpiece' but I feel like 'victim' is probably more appropriate."

"Are we talking about Barney?" Ted asked, walking into the room with a tray of pineapple. "He texted me about the guy who can't talk to women."

"He found a guy who can't talk to women?" Lily asked, her eyes widening.

"Why didn't he tell me about this?" Marshall asked, coming in the room from the kitchen. "Lil'? Did he tell you?"

"No," she said, looking from Ted to Robin. "Why would he tell you guys and not us?"

"I don't know," Ted said. "Maybe because he thinks I'm his best friend."

"It's probably because he's got his work cut out for him getting this guy to talk to hot pieces of ass like us," Robin said, looking at Lily. They high-fived. "So he's probably planning something that married people wouldn't approve of."

Marshall and Lily exchanged a frown. "Like what?" he asked.

Robin thought for a moment, then shrugged. "I don't know, but it could happen."

Lily thought, and then nodded.

"Well, I'm sure we'll get a phone call or text when he actually gets the guy talking to women," Lily said. "I can just see it now…" she tried to imitate Barney's voice. "CHALLENGED ACCEPTED!"

* * *

"So what is your big plan, bro?" Raj asked, sitting on the couch in his apartment. Barney was standing in front of him, scrutinizing Raj's attire. The astro physicist was wearing the suit; Barney had his hair set perfectly-being Ted's best friend had its advantages besides being a good bro-and Raj looked much more put together than he had the previous night, when they'd just suited him up in a hurry. His shoes matched, the suit fit better after a minor altering, and Barney was confident that it would be enough.

"My big plan is…" Barney said slowly, dramatically. "Is…" he paused, then grabbed Raj's shoulders and spun him around to face a full length mirror that was just behind the couch. "Wow! Look at you, you beautiful bastard!"

Raj's reflection frowned. "How did you get that mirror in here?"

Barney's reflection tried not to look annoyed. "Look at that handsome devil in that beautiful suit. Now, this is a man who knows he's attractive, who knows that his attire combined with his intelligence could score any woman on the planet, with just one look and a few smooth words. That's all it takes…" Abruptly, Barney spun Raj around the pushed him toward the door. "Let's go, bro, we've got girls to wow tonight."

"But what's your plan, dude?" Raj asked, still looking confused.

Barney smiled to himself.

They reached the bar and were allowed in. "Now remember," Barney said, placing his hands on Raj's shoulders and studying him at arm's length, "you look invincible."

"I do, don't I?" Raj asked, smiling.

"You do," Barney said encouragingly. "Not anyone, male or female, can take us down tonight. Remember that. Now, let's go! Follow me."

They entered, and Barney ordered a scotch and soda. "Nothing for you tonight," he told Raj. "You're doing this alone."

Raj just nodded. "Okay," he said, adjusting his suit slightly.

Barney smiled. Proof that his plan was working. "Okay, so what do you think tonight?" He asked Raj.

Raj discreetly scanned the crowd. "Four-thirty…five…five-thirty…"

Barney's eyes slid to the right side of the socket, tracking Raj's selection as she moved over to a booth and slid into it. She was alone. "Target acquired," he said under his breath. "Follow me."

They started across the room. "You can strut just a little," he said under his breath, barely moving his lips as he spoke. "But don't overdo it."

Raj obeyed, letting a smile come across his face. A confidant smile. Barney smiled, too. This was going to work.

Barney stopped at the woman's table-she was blonde, slightly heavier than the woman from the previous night, but not hefty by any means-and smiled, presenting his new bro with a flourish. "Hi, have you met Dr. Rajesh Koothrapali?"

At the woman's ever so slight nod, Raj came up from behind Barney and gestured toward the seat across from her. "May I?"

The woman blushed ever-so-slightly. "Sure."

Raj slid into the seat and began to talk to the lady. Barney melted away into the crowd, finding the bathroom and slipping inside. He took out his phone and dialed.

"Barney?"

"Ted, is everyone in the room?"

"It's after midnight here."

"And you're at MacLaren's, I can hear Wendy in the background. Is everyone there?"

"Yes."

"Speaker phone, please?"

He heard Ted sigh, and then the beep to signal that speaker phone had been activated. Barney held the phone practically against his mouth and shouted, "Challenge completed!"

"What?" Robin's voice sounded high and incredulous.

"How?" Lily asked. "Did you get him talking to women?"

"Ah, Robin, Lil', fair ladies," he said, sighing. "Barnabus Stinson will always…"

"Dude," came Marshall's voice, "cut the drama and just tell us what happened."

"I got him suited up, made him look confidant, and then talked him up so he'd feel confidant. It's fool-proof."

"Any respected scientist would tell you that one-for-one is not fool proof," Ted said.

"Well, the respected scientist out in the main room is on his way to…" Barney leaned out the door and saw the blonde laugh at something Raj said. "A two-for-two night."

"Do you think he could get a…"

"Stop!" Barney heard Marshall and Ted silence one of the women; he couldn't tell which one.

"I don't know if he could," Barney said. "He can try, but as it took me years to accomplish it…" He shrugged. "I just shrugged," he informed them when he remembered that they couldn't see him.

"Sounds like a personal problem," Lily quipped.

"Shut up, Lily," he said, snapping his phone shut. Straightening his suit, Barney strode back out into a bar, not-so-accidentally bumping a tall, thin brunette and spilling her drink. "Oh, I'm so sorry," he said, putting his hands up apologetically. "I'm such a klutz, oh, I'm sorry."

Across the room, Raj saw Barney bump into the woman. He gave Bethany, the woman he was talking to, a smile. "Excuse me for just one moment.

She turned her head slightly to one side, smiling. "Sure."

Raj made his way across the room and put his hand on the brunette's upper arm. "Please do not be mad at my friend here. He hasn't been as balanced on his feet since he saved me from the…stampeding buffalo in our exploration of the wilds of South Dakota. Pushing me out of the way caused him to fall and get hit in the cranium-it's affected his center of balance. Only for walking, of course, all other physical activities, I'm told, he still excels in."

"Oh my God," said the woman, forgetting her damp dress and putting a hand to her heart. "You saved his life? You saint!"

Barney smiled at the woman. "Well, it was nothing, really…" he glanced at Raj and gave him a wink, and Raj returned to the table to talk to Bethany. Within a half an hour, both men were heading out with the women in tow.

* * *

"And you had sex with her?" Howard asked the next day, incredulous.

"As in…two different women," Sheldon said, "two nights in a row?" Raj nodded proudly. "That's repulsive, go wash up," Sheldon ordered him. When Raj didn't move, Sheldon got up and headed across the hall.

_Knock knock knock_ "Penny?"

_Knock knock knock_ "Penny?"

_Knock knock knock_ "Penny?"

Penny opened the door. "Hey, Sheldon, is Horney Stinson still here?"

"He's not at our apartment; I have zero knowledge if he's still in the general area. Though 'general' when not referring to the military ranking, is a rather ambiguous term…"

"Shut up," she said, raising a hand to silence him. "Come on in." She backed up so Sheldon could enter the apartment. "So what's going on over there that made you want to come to the Swirling Vortex of Entropy?"

"Was that sarcasm?" Sheldon asked.

"Yes," she said, smiling. "Good detection." She raised a hand, palm perpendicular to the ground. Sheldon cocked his head. "High five, nerd," she said.

"Oh." He tapped her palm hesitantly, and then wiped his palm on the edge of her couch. Penny rolled her eyes. "And in answer to your question," he said, settling on the couch, "Raj was telling us the tale of his sexual exploits, which include two women in two nights. He claims he spoke to one of them, and…" Sheldon looked up. Penny was gone. He shrugged. "I was bored with that conversation, anyway.

"Raj!" Raj, Howard, and Leonard looked over at Penny, standing in the door. "Talk to me!" she said, looking eager and expectant.

He smiled. "How has your day been, Penny? Did Sheldon drive you over here?" Penny giggled. "What?" Raj asked.

"You say 'here' funny," she said coming over and sitting on the arm of Leonard's chair. "So you're talking to women now! That's incredible. Okay, I have to hug you." She slid off of the chair and moved around the coffee table to wrap her arms around Raj's shoulders. She pulled back after a second or two and smiled. "You can talk to me…" she shook her head. "I love it!"

"Isn't it great?" Leonard asked, smiling at her. "Now you won't have to leave the room every time Howard gets sick of Raj whispering in his ear!"

Penny grinned, pumping her fist in the air in what was only semi – mock jubilation.

Sheldon re – appeared at the door. "Raj? Are you done with your story?"

"Yes, Sheldon," Raj said, rolling his eyes.

"Sheldon smiled. "Oh, good." He walked back into the living room and sunk down into his spot. "Shall we have our first group conversation?"

Penny moved back to Leonard's chair as Raj smiled. "Certainly. I'll start."

**Did you like it? Either way, let me know in a review, pretty please!**

**And for the first time since October of 2009, I have no in-progress fics. What shall I start on next? *begins brainstorming***


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